I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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