i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
