I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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