I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
