Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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