Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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