I need to stop coming to work sober
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
