i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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