I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
