You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
