He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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