Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
should my penis look like a turkey
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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