Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
