Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
