im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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