why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
