So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
