At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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