yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
