Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
