yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
