maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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