I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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