when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
