wake up i wanna do it froggy style
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
