dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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