Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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