He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
