If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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