I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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