Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
