just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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