Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Randomize
