Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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