Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Swine flu. Run for my life!
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
