epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
