They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
