It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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