We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
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