I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
