Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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