remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
