At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
