So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
