I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
