We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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