I threw up into my coffee this morning.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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