tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
