Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
