need another drink. this is the easiest way
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
